Sunday, April 15, 2012
Why Gen V sucks
Let's just begin by saying that most of them are really ugly.
Victini is in secret a Telefang Denjuu.
Snivy's line is cool. So I'm good.
Tepig- I don't really like pigs, so I guess I'm biased, but it's evolutions have terrible designs.
Oshawott is ugly. Period. It's final evo doesn't even look related.
This line looks way cuter/cooler in fanart I've seen. (Still doesn't fix Oshawott's weird colors though)
Patrat is your standard small mammal Poké. Except it's really creepy.
Lillipup- Bleh. I guess there are domesticated dogs that look like that. But do we really need another small mammal?
Purrloin- We need another improbable-looking cat Pokémon! Yeah!
Panwhatever- I really dislike monkeys. Two of them have broccoli growing out of their heads. We already have Aipom, do we really need SIX MORE MONKEYS?? That look like THAT?
Munna- Buh? I guess it's kinda cute, but it's weird. We've had a lot of weird species before, so I guess a piggy bank isn't bad. It kinda reminds me of Drowzee. But why doesn't its evo change much?
Pidove- "Hi guys I'm a bird!"
Unfezant thought this was going to be a costume ball.
Roggenrola = Geodude
Woobat = Zubat (both of them are unrealistic caricatures of awesome animals.)
Drilbur = Sandshrew. But I like this guy. "Yay, I'm a mole!"
Its evo, not so much.
Audino- eww kill it
Timburr = Machop
Tympole = Poliwag
Throh/Sawk = Hitmonlee/Hitmonchan
Sewaddle/Venipede- standard Bug types with larval, pupal and adult stages. At least they're not another moth or butterfly.
Cottonee = Hoppip
Petilil = Oddish/Sunkern
Lilligant = Bellossom/Roselia
Basculin = Carvanha
Sandile- sorta creepy looking. Except in fanart. (So apparently Ken Sugimori can't draw anymore?)
Darumaka- Actually I'm surprised they haven't done a Pokémon like this before. Kinda cute.
Darmanitan however, is as creepy as heck.
Maractus = Cacnea
Dwebble = Krabby and Paras
Scraggy- I've always disliked cartoony Pokémon wedged among usually-realistic others, in any generation. Of course, my main question is, why would any reptile want to keep its shed skin? (And why do so many people think that they're sexy??)
Sigilyph- wtf am I looking at? Is this what happens when an Unown infects a Xatu?
Yamask- I suppose I might like this guy better if I knew why he was going "Oh God, the PAIN, why?".
Cofagrigus- Didn't I see this guy in a Mario & Luigi game? And "fag"? Seriously?
Tirtouga- I think we have enough turtles and tortoises thanks.
Carracosta- Can you say "impractical"?
Archen- I came up with an Archaeopteryx Pokémon when I was eleven or so. It was way cooler than this.
Trubbish = Grimer
Zorua- I think they're trying really hard to make another Lucario.
Minccino- Meh, kinda generic. Shouldn't they have come a lot earlier in the list though?
Gothita = Smoochum/Jynx (Haha, "goth" and "lolita"! Don't you feel really uncomfortable now?)
Solosis- A giant germ that eventually gets huge, grabby arms. Nothing creepy about that.
Ducklett = Psyduck/Wingull
Vanillite- I think we can all agree that an ice cream Pokémon was a really bad/weird idea.
Deerling = Stantler
Emolga- Somebody in Game Freak must really have a thing for oval-faced electric rodents.
Karrablast- A "I wonder what that's based on" Pokémon? How did that get here, that's too clever!
Escavalier- And then they ruin it by evolving it into a Snail in Shining Armor.
Foongu = Shroomish and Voltorb(??)
Frillish = Tentacool?
Jellicent- "I am King Jellyfish wotwot"
Alomomola = Luvdisc
Joltik I actually like. Electric spiders? Why the heck not?
Ferroseed = Pineco
Klink = Magnemite
Tynamo's line is kinda reminiscent of Huntail, but I'm surprised they didn't think an electric eel before. Still don't like them, though.
Litwick- Another I actually like. Reminds me of the candles in Zelda.
Axew = Larvitar
Cubchoo- A bear cub with frozen snot dripping from its nose.
Beatric- A pinheaded bear, shaped like a triangle, with so much snot and/or drool on its face that it froze into a beard.
Cyrogonal- Gah kill it! It's a freaking' ice demon!
Shelmet- "I'm a gooey invertebrate and I want to kiss you so bad."
Accelgor- And then he evolves into the coolest mummy-football-player-pilot-with-no-legs you ever saw.
Stunfisk continues the tradition of dopey-looking fish. It's not a Water type. It's practically begging you to kill it.
Mienfoo- I'm not sure why so many Fighting types need to have Asian-sounding names, BUT WHO CARES IT'S A WEASEL!
Druddigon- Ugh. When people say Pokémon are starting to look like Digimon, this guy must be the poster child.
Golett- Highly reminiscent of Registeel, but he's okay.
Bisharp- Oh, I see. They're Megaman enemies.
Bouffalant = Tauros
Rufflet- Not bad.
Braviary- Better! Why no eagles before?
Vullaby- Straight out of Looney Tunes.
Heatmor- Anteater. Anteaters are cool. Gas-powered fire-breathing anteater. Um, what?
Durant- Yet another one that appears to be from a different game.
Deino- I'd be very surprised if no one's given this guy a Liverpool accent yet.
Zweilous/Hydreigon = Doduo/Dodrio ("Feed me, Seymour!")
Larvesta- A moth! Spoke too soon.
SO MANY LEGENDARY POKÉMON, SO LITTLE TIME
Coballion- I'm pretty sure this is Samurott's cousin.
Terrakion- Huh, I don't remember this guy. He's actually pretty cool.
Virizion- Sky Forme Shaymin's cousin.
Tornadus- "YOU DARE DISTURB THE GENIE OF THE LAMP?"
Thundurus/Landorus- "We're not the same Pokémon! Really!"
Reshiram- I'm pretty sure Reshiram is made from paper maché and wire.
Zekrom- RED EYES BLACK DRAGON
Kyurem- Kyurem has been pieced together by hastily carved flint.
Keldeo- My Little Pony
Genesect- This guy looks like he's from Metroid.
::Gen IV Pokémon that suck::
Turtwig- I'm sorta indifferent about turtles, but myth-based Pokémon are always good.
Chimchar- I think all the jokes about flaming poo sum up how I feel about these guys.
Piplup- Generic cute, evolves into ridiculous.
Kricketot = Volbeat/Illumise
Budew/Roserade- We all know how popular Roselia was, right?
Cranidos = Rhyhorn/Aron
Burmy- Gonna crawl… to the ugly bug ball…
Combee- This makes complete sense.
Vespiquen- Creepy video game boss.
Pachirisu- Eh, okay. Ain't no Pikachu, though.
Cherubi = Hoppip. With two heads.
Shellos- Sea slug. Who was it that thought they were cute?
Ambipom- Aipom was really popular too! Now even more gropey!
Drifloon = Hoppip/Chimecho
Is that tape on their faces?
Mismagius- Not bad. No idea why Misdreavus needed an evolution though.
Chingling = Chimecho
Stunky- I love skunks. How in the world could they have possibly messed up a skunk? Did they hear of the word "polecat" and think that they looked like a Persian?
Skuntank- "My tail has fused to my back and it's really uncomfortable."
Bronzor- Meh. Too busy.
Mime Jr.- weshouldgivethisunpopularpokemonanevolution
Spiritomb- I think the toilet's backed up.
Hippopotas- I've seen people confuse hippo nostrils with barnacles elsewhere and it confuses me to no end.
Hippodown is drowning in quicksand.
Skorupi- Are you sure that isn't just a bead bracelet?
Croagunk wants to do unpleasant things to you.
Carnivine is so totally high right now.
Finneon = Goldeen
Weavile somehow manages to make Sneasel look cool.
Rhyperior- Who thought this made sense at any level?
Electivire- Electabuzz was weird enough as it is.
Magmortar- Magmar was weird enough as it is.
Mamoswine- weshouldgivethisunpopularpokemonanevolution (Psst! He's not actually related to Piloswine at all! Don't tell anyone!)
Gallade- If they really wanted to make up for Gardevoir being so girly, they should have noticed what Lopunny looked like.
Probopass- Nosepass was really popular! Let's evolve it and give it a mustache! No one will think it looks like pubic hair!
Uxie/Mesprit/Azelf- The mandatory Mew-wannabe dies here.
Dialga/Palkia- I don't even know where to begin.
Regigigas- We need another Regi! Make it really colorful and coin-operated!
Giratina- " "
Cresselia- " "
Phione/Manaphy- Not one, but FIVE Mew-wannabes! Three look alike, and the other two also!
Darkrai is made out of construction paper.
Shaymin is actually kind of cute. It's Sky Forme (unnecessary 'e') however? Are you sure they aren't just similar in color?
Arceus- I will never, for the rest of my life, believe that this is the Pokémon equivalent of God. God should be awe-inspiring. Arceus looks ridiculous and can be caught in a Pokéball.
::Gen 1-3 Pokémon that aren't that good either::
Zubat- Bats are cool. Zubat's line is not.
Diglett- So much has been made of how mystifying Diglett is. If we could see what it looked like it might help. But while Magneton makes some sense (they fused together), Dugtrio just never will (two other Digletts just show up out of nowhere and now it's a new Pokémon!).
Mankey- Heads with arms and no mouths. They're good fighters though.
Hypno has a schnoz.
Exeggcute's line is just unappealing, really.
Hitmonlee- No mouth, no nose. No neck. No HEAD. Vacuum tubes for limbs.
Jynx- I know the complex origins of Jynx now, but I still don't really get it.
Electabuzz could be better drawn. Y'know, to look more like a real animal, instead of a bag with limbs and a frog head.
Magmar- Duckbilled lava neanderthal.
Dratini- Why do I not like only this one?
Chikorita is cute, but what is it? The evolutions are better.
Sentret is weird. Furret is better.
Lanturn is good, though.
Aipom is creepy.
Pineco does not make sense. Only a bug expert would know it's not a pinecone, and even then it's not obvious.
Forretress makes less sense. Where did they get the impression that any sort of worm looked like a mollusk? A Bug/Steel mollusk? It confused me so much as a kid.
Snubbull is ugly. Pink and blue dress-wearing bulldog.
Sneasel is not a weasel. Not even close. I'm pretty certain its head was not meant to be asymmetrical either.
Swinub is odd. Not bad, but odd. Piloswine looks like it was drawn by Chuck Jones.
Octillery- Octopi ARE NOT FISH.
Stantler's just kinda ugly.
Lotad is meh. But I don't think anyone can explain what substances inspired Ludicolo.
Seedot's cute. But Nuzleaf has nipples. And Shiftry is creepy and weird.
Ralts' line is just bizarre. What the heck are they? They look more like they ought to be Grass-type.
Whismur is kinda weird. It's evolutions are less so.
Skitty's cute, but it's not much like a cat. Delcatty's better.
Mawile- I'm sort on the fence on this one. On one hand- 'kay sure. On the other- dear God, I hope those things aren't real jaws.
Aron's line is a lot like Rhyhorn's, but what the heck do I care? They're awesome.
Plusle/Minun- Totally not Pichu.
Carvanha- Terrible color scheme.
Sharpedo has no tail. Why does it have no tail?
Camerupt- VOLCANO COW!
Zangoose- Mongoose are not mustelids nor cats. They generally aren't overweight either. The red/white and the zigzag seem kinda pointless.
Seviper- Too busy. Red fangs?
Lunatone I kinda like. Solrock doesn't seem to have the same appeal.
Corphish = Krabby (I suppose)
Crawdaunt is too busy.
Feebas = Magikarp
Banette's eyes are weird.
Chimecho- generic, kinda obnoxious cute. What's with Sugimori and floating heads anyhow?
Snorunt looks like a teepee. It's actually a hat (really). If you really wanted to base it off of ice or snow-related headgear (why in the world would you?) couldn't it have been a tuque or something instead of a dunce cap?
Glalie is an XTREME SPORTS BALL!
Spheal = Seel (cute though)
Walrein has lace growing out of its head.
Clamperl is vaguely unsettling. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the weird cradling blue growths or the fact that its head is the pearl.
Huntail/Gorebyss- These evolutions make no sense at all, plus they're freaky-looking. And "gore" + "abyss"? Who thought that was a good name?
Luvdisc- Amusing, but how does it swim?
Beldum is okay, but its evolutions are really weird.
The Regis are pretty dispensable. Who told them Braille was mysterious?
Latias/Latios- Flawed, but more believable than later generations.
Kyogre- Tron lines. It should have tipped us off of what was to come…
Groudon is somewhat better.
Rayquaza would be much better without the red teeth- they look like lips. Overall, I think I understand the "ancient titan" feel to their design better these days.
Deoxys- How do you even draw something so hideous?